I don't remember my first drink of alcohol. It was not because I drank so much that I passed out and blacked out, barely remembering the previous 24 hours. I was told that one Saturday morning when I was two years old my parents found me sleeping on the couch. I passed out while watching He-Man, the Smurfs, or some other Saturday morning cartoon of the time. My parents noticed an empty Bud Light can on the coffee table next to me that neither one of them had drunk. Apparently, I pulled the beer out of the fridge and drank it myself. Turns out, I liked beer at a very early age and popped open my first one at two years old. I hear that was pretty normal for the 1980s though. My parents no longer kept alcohol in the house after this incident. After that first beer, I may have tasted wine, beer, or some mixed drink starting around age 12, but never drank an entire drink or near enough to become intoxicated. I started drinking with my friends around 16 either at parties or on camping trips. I did get drunk, but I didn't drink so much that I had much of a hangover, and I always remembered everything. From the age of sixteen until around 24, I was a casual drinker. I could take it or leave it and would sometimes go a month or two without drinking alcohol at all.
I was also in the closet until I turned 24 years old. I thought I was gay as early as 11 years old and was absolutely positive about my sexuality by 14 years of age. I remember looking around my 8th grade JR High locker room thinking in my head, "damn, I'm gay." I felt that it was a curse for several reasons including my Nanny's Southern Baptist upbringing and my Uncle Larry always voicing how sick gay men are. I specifically remember him using the terms nasty and sick (mentally ill) and that made a huge impact on me because I looked up to him. It also scared me that my Pap would find out. My Pap, Jack Walker, was a tough military man who fought on the front lines of World War II, served during the Korean conflict, and was one of our nation's first drill sergeants when the U.S. instituted basic combat training during Vietnam. The man that I knew, loved us grandkids more than anything in the world and would have done anything in his power to make us happy, but I feared my Pap finding out I was gay because I thought that would change his love for me.
Pap died when I was 23 years old. He was the first immediate family member that I ever lost, and it hurts still to this day. After his death, I started dating men because I did not want to die without being who I am and was comfortable with the fact that he did not ever have to know that I was gay. I did not have a formal coming out moment. I just started dating guys and eventually ended up in a long-term relationship with a man a few years younger than me. After about six months of dating, he moved in with me and we lived as a couple for about 3 years. This relationship was not healthy, We worked during the week but would get blackout drunk on the weekends a lot. We were never committed to one another and both considered it an open relationship which in my view now is not a relationship. I still maintained a fairly close relationship with my Nanny through this relationship visiting her home for lunch most days and enjoyed an OK relationship with my uncle as well. I have always maintained a fairly good relationship with my parents, especially when I was sober. I was a functioning alcoholic throughout the time of my 1st gay relationship. I worked at Lowe's and moved up very quickly over a three-year period and had many successes including being awarded employee of the year 2006. I also ended up as a department manager and on track to move into upper management easily.
After becoming Lowe's employee of the year in 2006, and having an open relationship with many friends, I got a chip on my shoulder and felt invincible at that time. I moved another young man into my home where I was still in a committed relationship with my first partner and began not just drinking but doing methamphetamine and taking hands full of Xanax or opiates pretty much on a daily basis. I traded my long-term relationship for this younger man that I moved in with because it was more exciting than my boring life at the time. The new guy and I partied all the time, and I eventually just quit my job at Lowe's without any kind of notice. My life quickly ran downhill. I spent the next year with the new guy in what I thought was a monogamous relationship and followed him to all ends of the Earth like a lost puppy. After about a year of being together, I found out this guy was not faithful and stayed in the relationship while sleeping around on him. This lasted for another year or so, and I ended up in one of the darkest places of my life while chasing fun through this relationship. For some reason, I could not let this guy go and ended up homeless living in a roach motel with him. The young man moved another guy into the roach motel with us and pressed every button I had until I finally was able to break up with him. It took years for me to forgive him and myself for all the stupid shit we did.
From there, I moved in with my mother and stepdad and felt like I was at the lowest point of my life. I continued drinking and doing drugs on a daily basis, but eventually got a decent job at Pet Smart where I put down my addictions and became a functioning alcoholic. In about a year, I had moved up to a leadership position and after a year and a half had become Presentation Manager, earning me a top spot in store management. I was third in command and felt like I had reached success again. My dad had a stroke about a week before I became Presentation Manager, and I was able to spend time with him in Little Rock for the first few days of his stoke because we did not know if he would make it or what condition he would be in if he made it. After I became Presentation Manager, I had to get back to work so I moved into my dad's home for the time being and would travel to Little Rock each day for the month of dad's rehabilitation. That was definitely one of the most stressful times of my life, but I don't think I drank or did any drugs for about four months after his stroke.
It didn't take long for the stress to get to me and I started drinking every day again. I still went to work and did my job but my performance was slipping and I knew it. I had the great idea to replace drinking with meth, so I could continue to work and keep up with life. That eventually drove me to another low point in my life. I quit my job at PetSmart without notice. I was doing both meth and drinking alcohol at this point avoiding everything in my life. I spent quite a bit of time avoiding my family and being alone. I was miserable, stuck in a cycle of self-pity and addiction. This went on for a few months to the point that I was suicidal and ready to give up on life completely. I had hit rock bottom. It's very difficult for me to look back upon and definitely hard for me to write it here where you can read it. I was definitely at my lowest point weighing 140lbs and looking like death warmed over.
Eventually, God sent me an angel. A person that I had known for several years came back into my life, Cody Schlinker. I hadn't talked to Cody in a couple of years and found out he had just moved back to Arkansas from Florida. We began hanging out, but I was still drinking heavily and doing drugs on occasion. After hanging out for a brief period of time, I fell hard for Cody. We shared similar family backgrounds and a lot of the same interests. Cody let me talk about anything without judgment, and was wiser than me in many ways. I have always believed in God and accepted Jesus is His Son sent to save us. Cody showed me a lesbian pastor from Florida's message on homosexuality in the Bible. This pastor broke down the passages that Evangelical Christians use to condemn gay people and explained their true meanings.
After hearing this message, I had faith in God again. I didn't feel completely hopeless and doomed to hell anymore, but I did continue to drink for another few months. Cody eventually told me that we could not be together if I continued to drink, so I put the bottle down. I also put the drugs down and we started going to church on a fairly regular basis. After about a year of going to Church and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I got my real estate sales license and then a broker's license within five years. Cody and I served at the Journey cafe and I eventually began serving on the Journey's media team. I slowly learned to replace my alcoholism and addiction with service to my fellow man. I still do not believe that I have reached my Pinnacle, but my successes after quitting drinking and drugs have been plenty. Most recently, I have had the honor of serving on the board of River Valley Food for Kids.
I am now happily married to Cody and am living my authentic life without worrying what my Uncle or anyone else around me thinks. I have good relationships with God and those that matter in my life and feel like I am truly making a difference in this world instead of just existing. That is the driving force for www.kingryanradio.net. I want everyone to be able to live their authentic life without the fear of anyone's opinions. I want you to be the King or Queen of your universe and to be able to make a positive impact on the lives of everyone around you. Hopefully while reading through the blogs or listening to our podcast, you can take something with you and create a life that fulfills you.
If you are struggling with drug and\or alcohol dependency and want to find a way out, there are several resources that can help. Each person's struggle is their own and each must take their own path towards recovery. What has worked for me may not work for you. All I can say is reach out to someone and start trying because for me sobriety is so much better. My sobriety has made everyone's life around me just a little bit easier too. I admit that I have slipped up a couple of times since I made the decision to live a clean and sober life, but since Cody asked me to stop, I have been committed to staying sober. I stay away from things that may trigger me and try to make all my time meaningful.
A list of resources to begin living a sober lifestyle can be found here:
Russellville, AR:
Many of the above resources can be found throughout Arkansas.
National Resources:
If all this is overwhelming, you can email me at info@kingryanradio.net and I will help you decide what the best path to recovery is for you. I love you and want to see you be the King or Queen of your universe one day too!
With love,
Ryan
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